I arrived at LAX, which isn’t as big as you would think, and immediately got lost trying to find my friend. Unfortunately, getting lost is a recurring theme in my travels. I spent four hours walking London’s streets at night…in the rain; I spent an hour and a half trying to find my dorm in Krakow after a wrong turn; in Seoul, I spent most of a day looking for anything familiar that could help me pinpoint my location. I seem to have inherited my sense of direction from a piece of pocket lint.
The first thing you’ll want to see in Los Angeles is the outside of LAX. After that, if you’re from a non-coastal state, it’s time to see the ocean. Although the Pacific Ocean is the largest body of water on Earth, its grandeur isn’t readily apparent from Venice Beach. Also, the water is quite cold during the second week of March. Do not attempt to go swimming.
Food is plentiful in Southern California. Lemons, limes, and oranges are free for the picking (as long as the home owner doesn’t see you). Diddy Reese, an ice-cream shop near UCLA’s campus, sells ice-cream sandwiches for a dollar (as of 2006). Other unhealthy food includes Carl’s Jr. and its taste-tastic Western Bacon Cheeseburger. I regret that I did not patronize El Pollo Chicken, but the locals assured me that its food is as great as its name, which means “The Chicken Chicken” in English. (Speaking of Spanish, it’s a popular language in Southern California. If you studied German in high school and college, which is about as useful as studying Klingon, you may encounter some difficulty.)
As you might imagine, there is a very serious, but delicious, obesity problem in Los Angeles. To help combat this growing epidemic, the city has established various frozen yogurt shops and juice bars. One of them, Yogurtland, offers many flavors of-you guessed it-frozen yogurt, along with numerous toppings such as fresh fruit, granola, and moshi. If you are worried that your frozen dairy treat is too healthy, don’t forget to top it off with a heaping spoonful of crushed candy bar (available at the end of the row of fruit and nuts).
When you’re done gorging yourself, you can work off the calories by shopping. Los Angeles offers two kinds of shopping: The kind you can afford and the kind rich people can afford. The latter can be found on Rodeo Drive, which is home to Cartier, Hermès, Dior, and Burberry. If you visit these stores, do not touch anything. Don’t look at anything. Don’t even enter the store. Wait. What are you doing? Get out of there, you fool! Run away! (The kind of shopping you can afford is at the grocery store. If you’re lucky, it’ll be a double coupon day.)
There is no shortage of entertainment in Los Angeles and its surrounding cities. Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, and Universal Studios are more than happy to take your money. I can’t speak of the attractions at Disneyland, but Universal and Knott’s are very enjoyable, especially in early March when there are no lines.
Universal Studios boasts sixteen different attractions. The Studio Tour takes visitors around its film sets so people can have the magic of movies and television destroyed. Please keep your hands and feet inside the trolley at all times and do not try to set fire to the Desperate Housewives set. (Interesting Fact: Universal Studios has suffered seven major backlot fires since 1932. Maybe it’s time to get rid of the Backdraft attraction.) I deeply regret that Star Trek Adventure was replaced in 1994; I think I might have a case with the International Court of Justice.
Knott’s Berry Farm opened in 1940 and is, today, a hodgepodge of rides, attractions, and the creepiest animatronics outside a Rod Serling production. I’m not kidding. The Timber Mountain Log Ride takes visitors on a logging camp nightmare that features ’70s-style robots (that come to life at night). Besides this bastion of evil, the rollercoasters are rip-roaring (the whole complex has some sort of strange Wild West theme that doesn’t seem quite appropriate for a coastal city); the creaky wooden one is especially terrifying. The best part of the farm, though, is its food, which includes candy shops, funnel cake stands, an ice-cream parlor, and Cinnabon. Interestingly, I saw no berries.
If crowded amusement parks and rollercoasters aren’t your scene, Tijuana, right next to San Diego, offers loads of drugs, prostitutes, underage drinking, kidnappings, and random acts of violence. While I can’t promise you’ll be kidnapped or shot, the odds are in your favor.
Southern California has incredible weather. The temperature rarely falls below 40 degrees and it is predominately sunny. Winter months bring rain instead of snow. Summer months bring scorching heat and drought. In fact, record highs are over 90 degrees for all twelve months of the year and over 100 for eight of them. On the bright side, you’re unlikely to encounter a tornado. On the downside, California does not want for natural disasters. Besides the drought, earthquakes, fires, and mudslides occur in the Greater Los Angeles area. I suggest returning home before any of these happen.
As you settle into your seat for the hours-long flight back to Middle-earth, do not become panicked as the airplane heads over the Pacific Ocean and towards Japan. You have not boarded the wrong plane. The pilot is merely using that airspace to turn around…unless you’ve been hijacked, in which case it’s a good time to brush up on your Japanese for “I’m Canadian.”
Note: Although Southern California is lovely in early March, Minnesota is a barren wasteland. There is every chance you will miss your connecting flight in Minneapolis/St. Paul because of a blizzard, and be forced to sleep in the airport. Still, they have a Cinnabon.
