I’ve decided to do a series recounting the various places I’ve been. It’s a short list, sadly, but I hope to add to it when I’m a famous writer (and I can afford to stay in the sort of hotels Paris Hilton stays in, instead of the sort of hotels her family owns). Let’s start with Michigan.
Michigan was founded twenty-maybe thirty-years ago by Native Americans, but they don’t count because they didn’t have a flag when the French showed up in the 1600s. The French were one of the primary influences on Michigan, which goes a long way to explain why we have so many problems. They’re responsible for a lot of city names that eventually became cars, such as Pontiac, Cadillac, Marquette, and Toyota.
Speaking of place names, we have a lot of places with names that can’t be pronounced by non-natives.
|
Name |
Pronunciation |
|
Sault Sainte Marie |
Soo Saint Marie |
|
Charlevoix |
Shar-le-voy |
|
Charlotte |
Shar-LOTT (This one is especially popular with the natives, who deride visitors for mispronouncing it.) |
|
Gratiot |
Grash-it |
|
Schoenherr |
Shay-ner |
In Michigan, winter lasts from about November 1st until March 31st and most of it is spent indoors, complaining. Temperatures are usually far below freezing and the state gets anywhere from 50 to 200 inches of snow during the season. Interestingly, Michigan does not have an abnormally high suicide rate.
Michigan is composed of an upper peninsula and a lower peninsula, giving rise to our state motto, “Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice” (“Out of many, one”). The people in the U.P. good-naturedly refer to Lower Peninsula residents as “Trolls,” while we “Trolls” refer to them as “Yoopers,” because no stupider name was available. Michigan gained the U.P. as a result of the Toledo War, when Michigan and Ohio battled for control of Toledo and its surrounding swamps. To settle the matter, the Federal government gave the city to Ohio and Michigan received a vast expanse of frozen, uninhabited forest that could only be reached by boat. Geologists, however, found huge deposits of iron and copper, so Ohio can suck it.
Michigan has two main universities: Michigan State University and the University of Michigan. U of M is ranked 18th in the world by Times Higher Education and its medical and engineering schools are highly regarded. Although MSU doesn’t even show up on the Times’s list, they make some darn good turfgrass and have the top Supply Chain Management program in the country. In retrospect, I probably should have attended U of M. (To be fair, MSU started as an agricultural college and today boasts a botanically lush campus and high squirrel population, whereas U of M is a cement wasteland devoid of life. Also, there are animal teaching and research centers all around Michigan State, including centers for beef cattle, dairy cattle, horses, poultry, sheep, and swine. I’m not exactly sure what these animals are taught or what research they conduct, but there’s nothing like the sight of a pig in a lab coat.)
Detroit is a popular destination for nineteen and twenty-year-olds in Michigan because it is home to the Ambassador Bridge, which connects Detroit, Michigan to Windsor, Ontario. Unlike America, Canada’s drinking age is nineteen. The price, however, is costly for Michiganders; in retaliation for our drunken teenagers, Canada routinely sends us cold fronts, coins we can’t use in vending machines, and its garbage. There is a lot of talk about simply annexing Canada. For the record, the Ambassador Bridge is a terrifying expanse of steel and concrete that stretches over the Detroit River for more than a mile. At its peak, it towers 200 feet over water that is 115 feet deep. I cannot speak to the horrors of the Mackinac Bridge (which connects the U.P. to the Lower Peninsula) because I refuse to step foot on a five-mile-long bridge that hovers 200 feet over a deep, frigid abyss.
According to Wikipedia, Michigan has a booming tourist industry. Tree-huggers love the state because it is 50% forest. It also offers thousands of miles of shoreline, some of which is quite pristine. Lake Michigan’s shoreline, however, is covered in dead fish and other aquatic goodies the water has thrown up. Detroit is home to the Henry Ford Museum, the Detroit Zoo, white-flight, three casinos, and various sports teams. Hockey is quite popular because Detroit referees don’t interfere with players’ fights. Plus, fans are encouraged to throw octopuses onto the ice. My favorite tourist attraction in Michigan, however, is the wealth of wildlife. I have seen deer, foxes, and wild turkeys in just the suburbs.
Speaking of hunting, it’s very popular in Michigan. Residents and visitors have the opportunity to hunt deer, bear, turkeys, elks, coyotes, illegal immigrants, and all number of birds. I have never, technically, gone hunting, although I played Duck Hunt a lot when I was a kid. Those who do go hunting are a force to be reckoned with. These are well-armed people who like guns, know how to use them, and enjoy stalking and killing other living things for sport. Al-Qaida (I’ve been told) had better stay the heck out of Michigan because you don’t have to buy a license to shoot a terrorist.
Famous Michiganders include Madonna, Sinbad, Eminem, Geoffrey Fieger, Kid Rock, and Michael Moore. I think we more than make up for this, though, with Motown and Bruce Campbell.
So, this is Michigan. I hope you like it; you’re welcome to visit. Next on the tour is Los Angeles, the City of Angels, where you’d better speak Spanish if you want to order at the Carl’s Jr.
Note: Although I’ve spent a lot of time visiting family in Wisconsin, I don’t feel the need to write another article. Wisconsin is exactly like Michigan, but more unpleasant and with less peninsula. Milwaukee smells of brewer’s yeast.
