Poorly Informed Predictions for 2009

 

 

            Like death and internet porn, change is one of the few constants in the universe.  Some people embrace it.  They change their hairstyles, lifestyles, profiles.  They’re insane.  Other people are so change-averse that they stay in the same job for fifty years and would rather undergo a rectal exam than move to a new home.

            I’m not a huge fan of change, personally.  To me, it often represents the end of something familiar and the start of uncertainty.   Change is life’s way attaching electrodes to your body and hitting the on-switch.  But, as I said, it’s unavoidable, so I wonder what changes are in store for the world as we head from 2008 into 2009…

 

North America

 

            Come January 20^th, Mr. Obama will become the 44^th president of the United States and herald in an era of peace, prosperity, and equality.  We will no longer be forced to pay mortgages.  Nationalized insurance will provide free, high quality, easily accessible medical care to everyone.  Instead of greenhouse gases, factory byproducts will include smiley faces, unicorns, and candy necklaces.

            Back in reality, January 20^th will be no more historic a day in 2009 than it was in 2005—it’s just a big stupid party that I wasn’t invited to.  Come January 21^st, Obama and his cabinet, still hung over from the night before, will sit down and have a nice long talk about continuing the policies already in place.

            Halfway through the year, Ford, Chrysler, and GM will still not understand why their crapomobiles aren’t selling.  However, they’ll conduct extensive research.  In Rio.  With their wives.  And while they’re living la vida loca surveying Brazilian attitudes on cars, Michigan will seek out new sources of income, such as stem-cell research, joint ventures with the Department of Energy, and organ trafficking.

            Over in California, the Proposal 8 controversy will reach its climax when advocates from both sides stream into the state, causing it to sink.  All inhabitants drown.  On the bright side, the state’s budget deficit is no longer a problem.

 

South America

 

            Hugo Chavez will host an “I Hate Democracy” party in the spring.  Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the ghost of Karl Marx are slated to attend.  Games will include pin the horns on the capitalist, bobbing for oil wells, and beer pong.  At the end of the festivities, partygoers will break open a Bush-shaped piñata that is filled with smaller effigies of Bush.

            Land reforms meant to redistribute wealth in Bolivia will fail completely and leave indigenous groups without the tools, equipment, or knowledge necessary to run farms.  The smart people will take a hint from Colombia and grow coca plants.  Fortunately, Americans will see a decrease in the price of their cocaine.

            Panama accidentally loses the keys to its canal locks.

 

Europe

 

            Europe continues to break up into smaller and smaller nations.  Southern Ireland, angry at being ignored for so long, secedes from the Emerald Isle.  Scotland and Wales both claim their independence.  Spain finally gives up on the Basque region.  In Belgium, the Flemish attack the French speakers, who immediately surrender; the country is officially divided into “French-Belgium” and “Flemland.”  Holland revolts.  Germany, overwhelmed by the revolutionary spirit, splits into East and West again.  Finally, the Balkan states continue to secede from one another until each person is his own independent nation.

 

Asia

 

            Middle East:  One of the few places that never changes, the Middle East will continue to be a cauldron of hate and violence until the sun burns out.  To keep things interesting, however, Israel will wipe out Iran’s nuclear facilities using stealth aircraft, electromagnetic pulses, and gefilte fish.  Its actions are widely condemned by the other countries in the Middle East, which are secretly rejoicing that Mahmoud Ahmadinenutjob had The Button blown out of his hand.

 

            Russia:  Putin continues to eat capitalism and democracy for every meal, which gives him the energy he needs to buy up majority shares in every major industry in Russia.  Fortunately, he still has time to occasionally cut off Ukraine’s natural gas. 

 

            Afghanistan:  Utilizing historically friendly northern Afghan Tajiks who oppose the Taliban, NATO troops move up from the south-east while the Tajiks close in from the north-west.  They force Taliban and al-Qaida members into the center of the country, then set fire to the immense marijuana and poppy fields.  Afghanistan can rebuild itself unmolested while the militants search for chocolate pudding and Doritos.

 

            India and Pakistan:  Early in the year, before any problems can escalate, India sends Pakistan a letter.

 

Dear Pakistan,

 

            It has recently come to our attention that you are, again, massing your forces on our shared border.  We can only assume this is in response to our blatant provocation of getting attacked by your citizens.  Please accept our humble apologies for ever intimating that ten Pakistanis—who appear to have training funded by your ISS—murdered 164 victims on India’s sovereign territory.

            Nevertheless, we would like to remind you of some minor facts.  First, Pakistan started the last three Indo-Pakistani wars; maybe it’s somebody else’s turn.  Second, aren’t you already a bit overextended in the north?  Finally, although your military is impressively ranked seventh in the world, ours is ranked sixth—oh, wait.  It’s ranked third.  Our bad.

 

Love,

 

India

 

Pakistan decides that 2009 is a great year for block leave for its troops.

 

            East Asia (except for China):  Korea, Taiwan, and Japan spend 2009 marveling at how much it sucks to have four nuclear-armed neighbors (and North Korea).  Economic superiority, once their only solace, has been replaced with wishing they had a billion citizens who would happily work for a dollar a day.

 

            China:  China just keeps growing—economically, politically, militarily, physically.  Even its people get bigger.  Ironically, the Great Wall shrinks.

 

Africa

 

            In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe dies when his heart, already suffering from necrotizing fasciitis, finally dissolves.  He still refuses to give up power.

            The Republic of the Congo and the Democratic Republic of the Congo go to war over which country can keep the word “Congo” in its name.  In the DRC and Uganda, the Lord’s Resistance Army continues to massacre civilians in the name of God.  The Mujahideen in Somalia object and claim that they thought of this first.

             Tuberculosis, malaria, Ebola, and HIV/AIDS still ravage the continent, as do famine, drought, and locust plagues.  Political instability shows no sign improvement.  Marauding militias still rape anything that moves.  The United Nations officially declares Africa the Worst Place to Live Ever.  (The insane fundamentalist dictator industry, however, sees continued growth.)

 

Australia

 

            Australia’s air conditioner malfunctions and the entire continent burns up.

 

Antarctica

 

            The ice, cold, and hurricane-force winds continue to draw scientists from across the globe, proving that scientists really aren’t all that bright.

 

(In all seriousness:  Have a happy 2009.  Let’s hope future generations look back on 2009 as a huge improvement on 2008.)