I’ve really been wracking my brain lately, trying to think of something to write about. Unfortunately, it’s hard to be concerned with anything besides looking for jobs, not getting any, and reminding myself that I have a roof over my head, a loving family, and at least I don’t live in the Jerusalem.
Speaking of Jerusalem, the city experienced an increase in violence recently when two monks got into a fistfight (which sounds like the opening to a very poor joke). Apparently, a group of Armenian monks held a procession in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher to commemorate the date, in the fourth century, when Saint Helena found the True Cross. (I can only assume it had been stored with a note reading, “To Whom It May Concern: Enclosed, please one (1) cross belonging to Christ, Jesus. Many kind regards. Sincerely, RomCorp.”)
The only problem with the procession, besides its inherent tedium, is that the Greek Orthodox Church has dibs on the Holy Sepulcher. They didn’t want any of the Armenians parading about without at least one Greek Orthodox monk to chaperone. When the Armenians refused and began their procession, the Greek Orthodox monks stood in their path. That appears to be when members of the two sects got out their switchblades and descended into a rumble. Tony and Maria remain in critical condition.
This isn’t the first time the two groups have come to blows, however, and they aren’t the only ones; seven denominations have duties at the church: Greek, Armenian, Syriac, Ethiopian, and Coptic Orthodoxes (or whatever the plural of “orthodox” is), Roman Catholic, and Armenian Apostolic. And they can’t stand each other. Also, in keeping with traditional, organized Christianity, they hate themselves.
I can’t help thinking there’s something in Jerusalem’s water supply. I mean, the Jews and Arabs have reasons to loathe one another, although I won’t go into that because I’m not a masochist. But a fistfight between monks? What must their theology classes be like?
Priest: And Paul, in Romans 12: 17 and 18, exhorted his readers, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” except those bloody Greeks and Armenians.
Monk: Actually, sir, I don’t seem to have that last bit here in my version of the scripture. In fact, it seems to say something about overcoming evil with good…?
Priest: I see, Brother, and does it also mention the part about you murdering baby angels? Maybe you should go on to Romans 13 where Paul discusses submitting to authority. I think you’d find that chapter very enlightening.
I’ve decided to experiment on Jerusalem. I shall move small communities of Buddhists, Hindus, pagans, and Rastas to the city and see how long it takes them to start hating each other. I suspect the findings will conform to my equation:
(Number of religions) x (Religions’ history of violence) – (Introduction of marijuana from the Rastafarians) ÷ (Size of community) = Level of violence, as measured in jihads (note: 3 fatwas = 1 jihad)
Previously, I would have listed the address of the article I read, but I can’t be bothered. Find it for your own darn self. Geez!
