I know.
I promised I wouldn’t write about politics after my tirade against them, but with the inherently partisan nature of any election, I’m drawn toward the subject like the NRA to a shotgun. I just have to be extra careful because I killed Marcel Marceau in my previous politically-themed article; I mentioned him and he was dead the next day. (Coincidence? I hope not.)
Oh, you’ve heard of the Big Two. Democrats and Republicans have dominated the House, the Senate, and the Oval Office since Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull-Moose Party-which I would vote for without hesitation-failed to get any bulls or mooses into office.
But did you know there are other political parties in the United States? Although we don’t have any communists running for president this year, there are some Independents and Libertarians. There are a few people running under the “None” Party; I’m sure they felt very pleased with themselves until they realized that, by claiming no party, they had joined a group of other people who had claimed no party, thereby creating a party of people with no party.
Some party names are both unoriginal and redundant. “Citizen’s”? “American”? Yes, congratulations, you’ve hit upon two of the requirements for the presidency. What’s next? The 35-Years-Old-or-Older Party? The Not-a-(Convicted)-Felon Party?
One guy is running for president under the United Fascist Union Party, which takes a lot of chutzpah. Today, fascism is associated with Mussolini, Franco, racism, and-let’s be honest-Europe. The truth is, though, that fascism is not inherently racist or evil; it just always turns out that way.
Some other interesting parties in this election include:
- U.S. Pacifist. “Um, we’d like the presidency, please. What? We have to fight for it? Dang it all! Come on, guys, let’s go play with the Quakers.”
- Free Soil Party. “If elected, I will lower taxes, reduce the deficit, and make available that scarcest of resources, dirt.”
- The Light Party. “Vote for me! I have 33% fewer calories than the leading candidate!”
The only advice I can give to these third-party candidates is: Save your money. You will not get elected. If John McCain and Barack Obama both died in some sort of freak campaigning accident (“Senators McCain and Obama were killed today when their podiums came to life and ate them.”), you will still not ascend to the presidency. You are more likely to be eaten by your podium.
Because they’re rarer than individual liberties in a fascist state, third parties are hard to describe. What is your average Free Soil candidate like? Dirty, maybe? I don’t know. But I can sure as heck stereotype the Big Two.
- Democrats: Sissies. Tree-hugging liberals. Think that, by opposing war, they can ensure peace. Pro-abortion, but anti-capital punishment. Have no moral compasses. Want to take all of my money and give it to a female black Hispanic Wiccan lesbian abortionist. Motto: “Hug a terrorist.”
- Republicans: War-obsessed. Impatient for the complete deforestation of the Amazon. Think that every problem-including rush hour traffic-can be solved with surface-to-air missiles. Pro-capital punishment, anti-abortion. Pay no attention to their well-publicized moral compasses. Want to take all of my money and give it to defense contractors, who will then trickle a few pennies back down to me. Motto: “Rape a kitten.”
Yeah, I know they’re stereotypes, but they’ve jaded a lot of the population. All over the country, undecided voters are looking at the candidates and trying to figure out who is the lesser of two losers. Granted, most of them will forget to go to the polls on Election Day, but right now they’re wondering: Is McCain too old? Is Obama too inexperienced? Can J-Mac get us out of Iraq and Afghanistan? Does B-Dog plan to sell Louisiana back to France to pay for his social welfare programs?
If only we lived under the bright, sunny, iron-fisted reign of Hugo Chavez…
(Come on, coincidence, don’t fail me now.)
