Have you tried naturopathy?
What about homeopathy?
Has alternaherbaditional medicine worked for you?
No?
Do you know why?
Because it’s crap.
In today’s world of megavitamin therapy and modern quackery, I find myself surrounded by people who would rather consume hardened-bird-spit soup than antibiotics. I’m sure there are people out there who would point to drug-resistant diseases, but at least you don’t run the risk of bird flu. (Hmm…do I want to eat bread mold or bird spit? Why doesn’t anything good-tasting cure disease?)
I will admit that, in its own way, alternative medicine has its merits. For example, it…um…I guess you could, y’know…do…a thing. Okay, I can’t think of any merits in particular at the moment.
Some supporters might argue that alternative medicine encourages healthy life-styles, but so does traditional medicine. You don’t have to be a homoeopathist to understand the benefits of vitamins and minerals. Even a kindergartener can tell you that you’re better off eating a turnip than a deep-fried Mars Bar-and that same kindergartener can also market his dietary supplements to you.
In 1994, Congress passed the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act. This requires manufacturers of dietary supplements to market their products as dietary supplements and not conventional food or medicine. It also deregulates the industry. Since they aren’t selling food or drugs, they don’t have to pass muster with the FDA. Are your supplements safe and effective? Who knows!
Let’s put aside the pesky “is this inherently dangerous” question, though, and consider dosing. According to people who should have brain scans, vitamin C can cure everything from the common cold to cancer. Some groups, such as the Vitamin C Foundation, encourage people to ingest 3,000 mg (regularly) to 18,000 mg (for heart disease) to 30,000 mg (for cancer) every day. (“I see you have stage-four lung cancer that has metastasized to every other part of your body, including your nose. Not to worry, Mr. Jones; I’m writing a prescription for a billion grams of vitamin C to be administered by fairies and leprechauns.”)
The National Academy of Sciences, which has a much more professional sounding name, suggests that Americans consume between sixty and 95 milligrams of vitamin C each day. So it only takes 375 oranges a day to cure cancer.
“But you don’t have to ingest anything to practice alternative medicine,” I hear you whine. “What about aromatherapy, reiki, or chiropractic procedures? They’re painless and you won’t be peeing orange for a week afterwards.”
Okay, you’re probably not going to die from a massage. I’ll even admit that there may be some psychological (read: placebo) benefits. But if you just had major surgery, are you going to ask for essential oils to dull your pain, or a big ‘ole shot of morphine? Heck, I’d take the morphine for minor surgery. Or a headache. Or just, y’know, ‘cause it’s there.
So eat your oranges and bird-spit soup if it makes you happy. Go get someone to balance your yin and yang. Me? I’ll stick to double-blind studied, FDA approved treatments, like aspirin. Aspirin is derived from salicylic acid, which occurs naturally in plants, such as the bark of the willow tree. Willow bark was used for ages to treat pain and fever. In 1853, Professor Charles Gerhardt used this to develop aspirin, thereby taking traditional medicine (“here, eat this bark”) and turning it into a proven treatment (“here, eat this pill”). Scientific research has shown aspirin to be very effective and safe for alleviating headaches.
The same cannot be said for trepanning.
Tags: alternative medicine, bird spit, quackery, vitamin
