Wanted: Not. You.

 

            Looking for jobs makes me want to kill people.

            It’s such a frustrating endeavor.  Nobody wants to work at a crap job, but the good ones seem to be reserved for…well, I don’t know, but it sure isn’t me.

            Part of the problem may be that my English degree is entirely useless.  People who study engineering become engineers; those studying biology become biologists; someone who majors in accounting will become an accountant.  There are no positions for Englisheer or Englishist or Englishant.  And there shouldn’t be.  How has an English degree ever helped anyone?

 

Patient:  Doctor, doctor!  I seem to have accidentally committed seppuku whilst in the throes of an unnatural sexual act!

Doctor:  Don’t worry!  I’ll grab my Shakespeare anthology and we can analyze the oedipal influences in Hamlet.  You’ll be okay!

 

Robber:  Don’t come any closer or I’ll blow his brains out!

Cop:  Don’t do it!  I’m sure this can all be resolved with a better understanding of World War I poetry, which contrasted a jejune mentality in Victorian Europe with the inescapable horrors of trench and chemical warfare.

Gun:  Bang

 

MacGyver:  Okay, I need a length of kite string, a piece of gum, two gerunds, and a past participial phrase.

 

            But my degree isn’t the only hindrance to employment; the employers share at least half the blame for not hiring me.

            First of all, they want experienced employees.  I can understand that.  I certainly wouldn’t want to hire, say, a clown who’d never murdered any children before.  But I can’t get experience without getting a job, and I can’t get a job without getting experience.  It’s to the point where I’m planning to kidnap Barack Obama and demand to know his secret for success.

            Of course, there are ways to gain experience without getting a job.  It’s called interning and it may be the most brilliant business concept of all time.  Interning has done away with the costs of housing and feeding an apprentice, thereby legitimizing slavery under the concept of “learning.”  Numerous companies have “exciting” internships that will “prepare” novice workers in the fine arts of fetching coffee and running errands.  My teaching internship was so amazing that I actually had to pay my university for the privilege of working for free.

            The Tribune Company has a “Program Operations” internship available in Chicago right now.  It’s one of many that they offer.  In addition to not being paid, the intern must be a student at a university and able to earn credit for his work, which means he has to pay his university to work for the Tribune Company.  Is this some sort of Big Business meets Big Education scam?  Are there meetings between Tribune and university officials?

 

Tribune VP #1:  “Fellow executives, our cherished bonuses are threatened on all sides. With the cost of gas increasing, we may face the possibility of flying on commercial airlines.”

 

University VP:  “Not commercial airlines!”

 

tribune vp #1:  “Yes, Neville, commercial airlines.  Therefore, it is imperative that students pay their universities to work for free at the Tribune.  With their money, we’ll have to buy extra coffers just to hold all of the cash.”

 

University VP:  “Thank goodness!  Our board of trustees just approved $61 million in renovations on our football stadium and we’re moving the flagpoles twenty feet closer to the administration building.  Plus, we voted to give ourselves 12% pay increases.”

 

Tribune VP #2:  “More caviar, Mr. Gecko?”

 

            Granted, I could probably stand to learn more skills.  So far, I only excel at writing, reading, BS-ing, studying, judging others, and ennui.

            One skill I’ll never pick up, though, is selling.  I hate selling.  Everybody hates selling.  That’s why they’ve come up with new terms for it.

 

• “Account Executive” = salesperson
•  “Enrollment Counselor” = salesperson
• “Appointment Setter” = salesperson
• “Politician” = salesperson
• “Prostitute” = salesperson

 

This is similar to the military’s tactic of advertising exciting jobs—such as F-16 Fighter Pilot—that have no basis in reality.  Now, I am deeply grateful to the brave men and women who protect our country and its interests and I have nothing but respect for military personnel who uphold the law.  But you’d have to be a complete knob to walk into a recruitment office thinking that you’ll be doing anything but getting your butt kicked on the frontlines.  Even if you have a four-year degree, they’re hardly going to hand you the keys to an F-16.  Heck, you’d be lucky to get an F-150.

            But the military doesn’t want me, so I guess it’s moot.  Besides, I want to be a writer, which would be a lot nicer profession if all the jobs weren’t based in New York City.  I know that everybody loves New York, but I’m put off by its population density, smell, filthiness, rampant crime and poverty, exorbitant prices, and rudeness.  For some reason, eking out a living and residing in a no-bedroom apartment with two other people and eight padlocks on the door just doesn’t appeal to me.

            (If you want to work from home—whether it be in New York City or Blueballs, PA—I strongly recommend http://www.phoneactress.com.  All you need is “a charming voice, a private area of your home to work from, and a very positive attitude!”  Oh, and you must be an adult.  And interested in “fantasies and role play.”  Really, it’s the perfect job if “you love to chit chat.”)

            Given these many obstacles, I’ve decided to create my own classified ad.  Now I just need a business to hire me for it.  Any takers?

 

Wanted:  Writer.  International conglomerate seeks lazy misanthrope to mock society via all forms of media whilst traveling extensively in first-class accommodations.  Must be able to quickly throw together crap pictures in Microsoft Paint.  English degree a plus.  No experience needed.

Tags: english, job, sales, work